Strictly High End: Turks and Caicos

A vacation, or visit to a renown vacation spot by a business traveler like myself is never really complete without getting a taste of the local flavor. As you can imagine, my visit to Turks and Caicos would be no different. This trip was so highly anticipated that my boss probably could've sent me here with marching orders to work at the sanitation facility (aka The Dump) and I would've gladly gone. I had seen the pictures and I had heard the tales of wretched excess from the Entertainment Tonight/Access Hollywood crowd as well as the hip-hop set.

Young H-O pitch the yay faithful
Even if they patrol I make payroll
Benz paid fo', friends they roll
Private jets down to Turks and Caicos

Jay-Z from What More Can I Say on The Black Album

I was going to be all about the poppin' bottles with models and the larger steaks on large estates. I mean, a movie star is the first lady for cryin' out loud! (Well, maybe "star" is a bit strong. She's a good lookin' actress well known by the BET set). Oh yeah, and I was going to work too. Well, if you're up on your D's Daily ( and ) you already know how that went.

So I was a little mis-informed, but let's not dwell on that. Instead, let's spend some time talking about the very accomplished expatriate chefs and restauranteurs that have done quite a remarkable job in bringing some world class dining experiences to this tiny island. There are reportedly more than 100 restaurants, cafes, beach bars and bistros on Providenciales alone. By the way, the locals call it Provo and its the capital of Turks and Caicos.

A definitive local cuisine shall remain a mystery for now, but as you can imagine for an island, seafood is very available. Like the Bahamas, Conch is very much available with every meal. I had no shortage of spectacular meals in this very chic resort community, so without further adieu, I'll give you the day by day rundown.

I started each day at the Seaside Cafe, which was my hotel's(Ocean Club West) seaside/poolside restaurant. The very friendly staff was always ready to whip up some eggs, french toast, or pancakes on the double.
Since daylight was scarce given my work schedule, I was usually coming from my morning jog on the beach when I placed my order here. In the evenings, they had various happy hour themes and even some live music under the starlight. It wasn't the island vibe that I was looking for however (one night it was a one-man-band playing an electric piano and covering everything from Van Morrison to Al Jarreau to Barry Manilow, and a "unique" version of Eric Clapton's Lay Down Sally that I haven't been able to get out of my head since...aaaaarrrgh! ) so I rarely hung out longer than it took me to devour an order of conch fritters and suck down a rum punch or a Heineken.

The only reasonably priced meal that I ate during my 8 days in Provo was the very first one at Hemingway's On the Beach. Every other meal absolutely broke the bank, but at least the food was very good. Hemingway's does salads, sandwiches and burgers very well, and with a view to die for. You'll notice that will be a common theme here. The seating is largely outdoors, except for a few tables near the little open-air room by the bar. I was amused by the fact that the people that had sat near me on the plane were at an adjacent table. All of us feigned indifference, pretending not to notice one another and blend in as if all of this decadence were old hat.

My client, Jeff, was a great source for information during my 8 days in paradise. Almost immediately he let me in on a little secret amongst the residents of this place. Discussing something as trivial as the weather is pointless in Turks and Caicos. The weather is ALWAYS good and it almost never rains (except for 2 of the 8 days that I was around...go figure). "So we talk about the food," Jeff explained. There is an amazing dining experience to be had nightly. In the resort part of town, this is an understatement. Nearly everything is a five-star establishment, or at least similarly priced. Jeff knew this and made sure to ease me in slowly. We'd usually talk about the day's work and maybe what we hoped to get accomplished the next day until we reached Governor's Road (where mine and many other hotels reside) and then he would go deep in though trying to decide where I should eat that night. The first night that we were not in the office burning the midnight oil and eating pizza or chinese food, he sent me to a place called Coco Bistro.

Hidden down a little dirt driveway and surrounded by palm trees, Coco Bistro looked unassuming enough. From the outside it was a quaint little brightly-colored house with some rocks creating a pathway to the front door. Once inside, it doesn't look like much but a bar with a very small dining area until you realize that this is actually just the waiter's and bus boy's station. The dining area is outside under a canopy of coconuts, palm trees, and starlight that is perhaps one of the most romantic settings you can imagine. I was dining alone, but this was not lost on me as they set the white napkin on my lap and handed me a menu. For some reason, I was in the mood for something mildly Italian, so I had some scallops and pasta. Absolutely delicious! I was sure that Jeff sent me here as a warm-up, so I tried not to overdo it and promised myself that I would come back again to try something else from the menu (but I didn't get the chance).

My next experience was Grace Bay Club's Anacaona. As with most locales on this island, this place could be summed up in one word: Spectacular. Dining alone again, I sat at the 90 foot long Infiniti Bar that seems to continue right on into the water where I could still order from the restaurant's full dinner menu. The outdoor dining area (again, not a risk here since it rarely rains) was outlined by tiki torches which were quite striking as they accompanied the moon in dimly lighting the white table-clothed settings. Another nice visual touch were the brightly colored, yet elegant chairs. The appetizers here were too enticing to skip and I even lost my composure and ordered two of them in the Conch Chowder (made with cherry pepper and aged rum) and Crab Assortment (blackened Alaskan King crab with tomato marmalade, lump crab tempura, and king crab salad with creole salsa). I opted against wine and instead indulged in one of their specialty rum-based cocktails. At a bar like this, how could you not order something? For my entree, I went to an old standby, Chilean Sea bass, that chefs Joel Rheaume and Eion Laird clearly "put their foot in". (For those of you not familiar with that phrase from African American Southern vernacular, that means they really did a fine job in cooking it to perfection and it was quite tasty.) I had been warned about the dessert and made sure to save room. Let's not kid ourselves, anytime somebody has a warm chocolate centered cake that brings back fond memories of the Godiva chocolate cake at Mortons, I'm all in...whether you have to air lift me out of there or not. This one did not disappoint.

The next night it was on to the Caicos Cafe which I would've tried a few nights earlier had I not taken a left instead of a right and walked way down the street before somebody set me straight. When I finally made it on that night, the kitchen was closed. The great thing about being 6'7" is that people don't usually forget you (unless of course, you're a criminal and you want to go unnoticed so that you can stay out of reach of Johnny Law) and they greeted me accordingly when I did finally dine there. "You made it back!" the hostess exclaimed upon my return down the walkway of multicolored gravel and up the steps. I showed up in shorts and sandals here and felt just fine about it. Actually, you can do that at most of these places but at this one especially. It definitely has an island feel, but the menu has a sort of French/Mediterranean twist to it. Of course the seafood is great, and I chose to partake in a crab salad. The portions are huge here, so you don't feel nearly as bad when the bill comes, and you're definitely full. This place wasn't nearly as swanky as Anacaona, but somehow, the bill was almost as much. Don't come to this island on a budget. Upon that much we can be certain.

Although we had pizza delivered to the office at about 630pm so that we could continue working, I had a hankerin' for some more food at about 930pm so I trucked it on down to Bella Luna for some outstanding Italian fare. I hate to keep calling everything spectacular (it kind of takes away from the word, like when actors and actresses call each other "Amazing" whenever they are on the red carpet at awards shows) but it was. The food was quite good, but not the best Italian I've ever had, but coupled with the ambience it gets a definite thumbs up from me. I got there about 10 minutes before closing time and was still treated like a first class guest, and greeted with some peligrino and bruschetta almost immediately. Go ahead and kick me now for not bringing my camera to this one. The dining room sits atop a second floor patio overlooking a palm-tree lined courtyard accented with beautiful flowers. If you've got the loot and a date, you could win major points for booking reservations at this place. But then again, you're probably way ahead if you've got a date with you on this island.

You might say that I've saved the best for last, although any one of these places would've made my week in any other place. Arguably, the best food on the island, Coyaba was to be the crown jewel in my tour of Provo restaurants.
As it turns out, Coyaba is an Arawak Indian word that means "heavenly". That this restaurant was given this is a name is oh so apropos. First, however, I have a confession to make. Similar to the way that I've often got more month left at the end of my money back home, I was in a similar pickle here. I had one night left, and still had two must-visit places on my agenda to choose from. But how do you choose? Do you skip the best restaurant on the island so that you can get to the one place that is the unanimous choice by the locals, Smokey's, for the real live Turks Islander experience? You've already gone to several other outstanding restaurants with million-dollar views. On the other hand, do you skip the only true local experience when you're a person that lives for that kind of thing? A lesser foodie might have made a tough decision and chosen one. I got an early start.

The service at Coyaba, like the rest of the places was impeccable, but somehow even a cut above. It was a fairly small place but it seemed like there wait staff numbered in the hundreds. Servers and waiters were coming and going from all directions all the time. One of them brought me one of the chef's creations while I contemplated the menu choices. It seemed simple enough, baby carrots, slices of red peppers, and pita bread wedges placed just so around a dipping sauce. The pita bread wedges were warm, however, and the sauce was out of this world. I asked 3 different members of the wait staff what was in it just to make sure that I didn't forget. It was a white sauce (well, i think it was white, but couldn't really tell by candlelight) made from cream cheese, sour cream, and coconut, but somehow tasted like honey butter...but BETTER! I think I could've left right after tasting this and been satisfied. I ordered a lobster bisque that seemed to be the gold standard for lobster bisques around the world, served in all of its steamy perfection in a large white bowl with colorful designs around its rim. I accompanied this with a hearty duck confit salad and told them to keep the pitas and dipping sauce coming. It was really a shame that I couldn't stay longer, but even in that short time, I was very impressed. It's a good thing I did leave though, because it surely would've broken the bank. As it was I left there $74 lighter and hadn't even peeked at the entree menu yet.

So that you're not brow-beaten by my verbosity any longer, I'll summarize some other nice spots to drop in on if you make it down to Provo:

Lunch/Casual Dinner:
Mango Reef- a great bar and grill spot right on the beach with a pleasant dining area that makes a good soup/salad and sandwich.

Da Conch Shack- as authentic as you can be without being authentic, but deceptively good. (See my Who Stole the Soul in D's Daily). The Curry Conch is a must. Bring your camera because the views don't get any better than this.

Corner Cafe- A great sandwich shop attached to the grocery store off the main drag. Try the prosciutto if you go there a few times, but definitely do not skip the Corner Club or the Smoked Turkey Club.

Ports of Call/Dive Bar- these are right near the Caicos Cafe and they are your basic low scale eateries that still do a pretty good job on the grub, make a stiff drink and still charge you like you're at the Ritz.

Smokey's- This is the spot where the locals eat. If you like your common rib shack, jook joint, mama's-kitchen-soul-food-spot in any rural part of the Southern United States, this is your spot. Surprisingly, there aren't any $3 entrees, but if you haven't noticed by now, the economics on this island are all screwed up. Wednesday is Fish Fry night and the parking lot is the see and be seen spot for the brothas that like to play the funky beats out of the back of their jeeps.

3 Days in Paradise (Island, that is)

I doubt that there are too many things more pleasing for tired eyes to see than the heavenly aqua blue waters that surround the 700 tiny islands that are the Bahamas. As the captain instructed the flight attendants to prepare for landing, I raised the shade on my window to witness this spectacular display of chromatic brilliance, this rhapsody in blue.

Breathtaking comes to mind, but still might not fully encompass the magnitude of the vision. My stomach got the same butterflies that I felt each time I saw that "most beautiful girl I've ever seen" when I was 14 or maybe that was the captain adjusting the altitude for turbulence. It's almost magical, like that feeling you get as a six-year-old when the electric light parade starts on Main Street at Disneyland.

Some say these waters have healing powers. The crick in my neck from being wedged between the headrest and window seemed to be improving with each passing second and not even my pinkie toe had touched the pristine, bone-white sand yet. Remember when you wanted to help your mom bake the cake and she, fearing total decimation of the whole dessert project, put you in charge of sifting the flour (something that you can't really mess up) and you marveled at how the sifted flour was so fine and you wanted to put your hands in it and play but she realized it just in time and snatched it back so that you'd actually have cake to enjoy? The sand was like that, a crisp white shirt fresh from the dry cleaners that sets a nice backdrop for the silky aqua-blue tie that is the Caribbean Sea. When the water hits the shore, like the Revolution--according to Bunny Wailer, you feel no pain.

I was treated to a mild, friendly Sun. It was no more than 85 degrees the whole time I was there, a gentle breeze tickled the skin making it oh so comfortable to be out and about. And out and about I did go! If you've been paying attention, you know that out and about seldom are far from a hearty plate and amazing sights. Daylight was wasting away and I had a date with exquisite locale number 1: The One and Only Ocean Club.

Wow! So powerful, so profound and all encompassing, and yet only three letters, this word. The shuttle driver stopped in a turnabout at the Ocean Club's golf course and I was awestruck. Walking through a courtyard and past the pro shop the magnificent blue coupled with the Augusta National quality manicured fairway just below me was so spectacular it almost made noise. It’s as if the rest of your life your eyes have been watching regular TV, and then you get here and LIFE is in HD. Even one of my 5 hour, triple bogey-laden rounds would be exciting here. I’d probably not care much if I lost a ball or if I even hit the ball. But what should I expect from a place that is run by One and Only Resorts, which has properties in some of my most desired wish-list “M” locations (Maldives and Mauritius). Everything here was truly first class. I was glad to have a reason to be on the grounds as a family friend had a residence here. Only in Nassau for 2 hours now and it’s already better than my previous visit. Back in 2004 I came on a Carnival Cruise line and spent a day here. I did quite a bit in that day, but it was just too rushed. For my money, getting to your destination and checking it out thoroughly for a few days is much better than wasting days on a boat and watching it knife its way through the sea.

One thing that I have still yet to do is partake in a local night spot. I daresay that if the folks at the nightlife spots are 1/5 as lively as the ones that I sat and watched football with on my first day, then a good time will surely be had by all. It never occurred to me that people in another country would be tuned in and quite die hard about their allegiances with teams like the Cleveland Browns and New York Jets. I don’t think I’ve EVER met a real live New York Jets fan, at least not one that’s younger than 60 years old . This was one of those trips where a relative told you to “call so and so,” when you get there and you actually do and it ends up being real cool. I was fed quite extensively, and whisked away to a comfortable seat in front of the television to watch Tom Brady’s Patriots dispense of the Steelers while on the other TV, the Jets fans barked out orders as if the quarterback could hear them. It was nuts. There’s a festival called Junkanoo that happens the day after Christmas and also New Year’s Day. This looks like the party to end all parties, so schedule accordingly if you’re able. They were setting up the grandstands a full 2 weeks in advance and the cab drivers and all other locals I encountered were all abuzz about it.

On my second day, I got down to the business of eating as you knew I was bound to do sooner than later. One thing I did manage to do the last thing I was here was get to some of the good local spots where the locals actually go, in Double D’s and The Fish Fry. Double D’s is along Bay Road near the bridge that takes you to Paradise Island. It’s your basic greasy spoon, but when the spoon is stirring up Caribbean food, you’re in for a special treat, and they make a great drink. You can get a good Bahama Mama at most places in Nassau, but especially here. Also, make sure you try at least one Goombay Smash while you’re here, for pure rum goodness!

The Fish Fry on Arawak Cay, just beyond the tourist trap that is the Central part of town along Bay Street, is THE spot. If you time it right, you’ll see what I’m talking about. This is where folks go when they get off work. Come by around 4 or 5pm for some real local flavor. I think I ate at Twin Brothers last time I was here, and this time it was Oh Andros! The favorite at most places in town and especially here is the Conch Salad and Conch Fritters. Conch is the mollusk that resides in that marvelous shell that you always see on television with the guy standing on a big rock and blowing into it with the sun setting behind him. The Conch Salad and Crab Salads are terribly fresh and usually made right there in front of you, at a separate window, since their demand is so high.
The Conch Fritters go great with the remoulade dipping sauce they provide, and a Bahamian Iced Tea or the requisite Bahama Mama. Come hungry, because you will get plenty to eat. I made the mistake of getting my entrée plate of boiled snapper, rice and peas, plantains, and conch fritters and thinking that my crab salad was going to be a small side salad. It wasn’t! It was a meal within itself. I couldn’t nearly finish it, but tried to put forth my best effort. It’s a good thing that there was a nice stretch of beach nearby to walk some of that food off before folding myself into a taxi.

Even the taxi rides are an experience. The drivers are so friendly and quite a bit more casual than cabbies you’ll see in other places. The guy driving on the way back from the Fish Fry was going on and on about his costume for Junkanoo and then suddenly pulled over to pick up a lady friend of his who rode with us the rest of the way. It was hilarious. If you don’t want to take a taxi everywhere, those going to or from Paradise Island can take the ferry. As with the taxis, the ferry rides have entertainment of their own. Tour guides like Clarence or Motley provide you with a historical perspective of the sites visible from the Bay, complete with gossip about stars and locations of their humble (and not so humble) abodes. Throwing these guys a dollar or two at the end of the ride is more than worth it, as they work on tips and add spice and humor to the 10 minute ride.

I stayed at the Atlantis Resort which, I must admit, is one of the most spectacular hotel resort property’s that you’ll find anywhere. The place is beautifully kept and its friendly staff are more than willing to do their best to make your stay as enjoyable as possible. This quality costs though. Unless you’ve got money to burn, I’d avoid doing too much casual eating on the property. There are a few little restaurants right outside the doors of Atlantis that make a decent meal and at a much more reasonable price. Anthony’s Grille and Bar is such a place. I had breakfast at Anthony’s twice and was very pleased with the quality of the food as well as the décor and the service.
For overall appeal, though, you can’t really knock Atlantis. It’s got a little something for everyone, with full service Spa, exercise facilities, several swimming pools and bars, and restaurants. The Bahamian Club is supposed to be a very upscale restaurant recommended to me by several locals as one of their favorite “special occasion” spots. Unfortunately, it was closed on the night I thought about going. It was low season, so they shut down parts of the resort on certain days. The place is so big and complete though, that you hardly feel cheated. For the high rollers among you, check out the Cove, the newest hotel wing opened. It is decidedly more upscale than the other hotel areas and has some of the swankiest looking bars (Seaglass) and restaurants (Bobby Flay’s Mesa Grill) in the whole resort. It looks like a place where P-Diddy might film a video. The beach behind the Cove somehow seems even nicer than the rest, its sand slightly less trodden upon perhaps.

On my last full day, after I had worked up a pretty serious appetite shopping for souvenirs, I stumbled upon another rare find in Brother Eddie’s Bahamian Kitchen. Well down Bay Street (at Elizabeth) and out of the tourist strip, my nose for local fare must’ve led the way. It didn’t look like much, but again, I saw the locals crossing the street to get there in the distance, so I went in too. Curry goat, rice and peas, salad and plantains hit the spot this time. The thing I love about this and so many of the other places is that it always tastes like somebody’s mama is cookin’ for ya. Another very storied place that I’ve failed to make it to during my two visits is the Poop Deck, also in the vicinity of Double D’s. It comes highly regarded, so I will surely make it my first stop on the next visit.

With one night left, some upscale dining was in order. Chez Willie bills itself as the “Finest in French and Bahamian Cuisine”. Another highly regarded establishment, I had seen it several times going to and fro on both trips. Unfortunately, I have to give Willie a B- for this visit, as they were out of many things. Well, let me ease up for a moment. I partly blame myself for going late on a Tuesday night, not exactly a busy time. I suspect that most of the kitchen staff had gone home. My waiter was excellent however, recommending a nice Pinot Blanc and pointing out some of the high points of the limited menu. After dinner he even had me autograph the bottle and placed it on a shelf with others in the very cozy sitting room just off the bar. He made me realize just how crucial a knowledgeable and courteous wait staff can be to the success of a restaurant. Without his friendliness and candor, I think I’m way more upset that they couldn’t make the Guava Duff that I wanted for dessert. Guava Duff in the Bahamas is like Apple Pie or Chocolate Cake in the States, so make sure you try some. It would’ve been nice to end my trip on that note, but the waiter informed me that with the main chef already gone for the evening, he didn’t want to attempt it and risk serving me a subpar product. I can respect that. It gives me yet another thing to come back for in Paradise.