Feliz Dia de los Muertos

Clearly, not all the freaks come out at night. Some were definitely still lingering on Wednesday morning at Oakland Int'l Airport. Perhaps it was the revelry of the Spirits in effect as the supernatural was no doubt behind the oddities that occurred right before my eyes.

3-headed Freak: First there were the United Airlines employees that put the "S" in customer Service, as they proved to have no compassion, nor desire to see to it that I, as their customer had a pleasurable experience on their airline. Both the ticket counter agent, the gate agent and the flight attendant uttered the ultimate service industry no-no ("Hey, I just work here...") before they decided NOT to attempt to get me a better seat when better seats were indeed available. It's not like I'm 6'7" or anything. Oh, wait, I AM 6'7". It wasn't until, when asked to produce my ticket and nearly needing the jaws of life to unwedge me from my original seat, I stood up and towered over this diminutive woman (she subsequently gasped and said, "Oh MY!") that she decided to see what she could do. Never mind the fact that the bulkhead seat in row 3 had been vacant all along. United insists that sitting in any exit row or so called economy-"plus" section is worthy of the customer shelling out additional dough. Enough of that.

Freak #2 (Lunch Money Freak): There are 3 major unwritten rules that all business travelers obey. We live in a world that requires such rules. We, as business travelers have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You scoff and curse at our Executive Platinum status, and our President's Club memberships. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know, that, while tragic, our business travel is driving new business opportunities, and that our efforts and tactics, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you drive REVENUE. You don't want to know the truth because deep down in places that you don't talk about at staff meetings or PTA meetings, you WANT us on that plane. You NEED us on that plane. We use words like bulkhead, first class, and upgrades. We use these words as the backbone of the time spent evangelizing our corporate missions to the masses, and negotiating something. You use them as punch lines. We have neither the time nor the inclination to explain ourselves to people rise and sleep under the blanket of the income that we provide and then question the manner in which we provide it. We would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. But, I digress.

Okay, so, I'm in line at the Pizza Hut across from Gate 5 before I boarded the aforementioned flight. I decided that I might as well get on this soon to be miserable flight with a full stomach. Yeah, I know it was 7:20am, but believe it or not, even Pizza Hut has a breakfast croissant, and no, there is no tomato sauce OR pepperoni on it. Freak #2 had apparently received the memo at the Conspiracy to Destroy Destah meeting. Being the last person standing between me and said breakfast sandwich, he proceeded to produce a zip-loc baggie full of small change from his satchel. Counting dozens of pennies and nickels in the palm of one's hand is a blatant violation of one of the 3 unwritten rules, especially when there are 11 people in line behind you. Not 11 ordinary, lolli-gagging, Crocodile shoe sporting(not Gators, but the oft-brightly colored plastic Crocodiles fit for the beach), bermuda short wearing leisure travelers, but 11 BUSINESS travelers. Who else inhales recently nuked food at this hour as if Hoover were written on their foreheads? Draw your credit card from your hip as if your name were followed by "The Kid" or preceeded by "Wild", let the person on the register swipe it, and keep it movin'!
Even the lady at the register rolled her eyes, made eye contact with me while making a face that displayed the incredulity of a person that had just witnessed the Washington Generals storm back from 30 down to beat the Harlem Globetrotters at the buzzer, and then looked back at Freak #2 in disbelief. By the way, rules #2, and #3, in no particular order prohibit attempting to ram a "rolly" bag the size of a Hyundai, that has no earthly explanation for being considered a carry-on into the overhead compartment while blocking the row like fatty tissue in an artery, or ever , ever , ever, EVER bringing kids into the first class cabin. (Also receiving votes: talking to the person seated next to you that is clearly trying to read or sleep; getting up to use the bathroom if you are not seated in the aisle; asking somebody to let you cut in the security line so that you don't miss your flight, as if the rest of us have chosen to arrive at the airport the recommended 2 hours in advance).

Freak #3: As a fitting end to this day, I called a restaurant called Aji in Boulder, CO to see if it were busy, and if it were necessary to have a reservation for a party of 2. The hostess that answered the phone very enthusiastically replied that there was no wait, and that reservations were absolutely not necessary. My co-worker and I left the hotel and arrived at the restaurant not 5 minutes later eagerly anticipating the latin-fusion cuisine, only to be scooted aside and told that there would be no table ready available for at least 20 minutes.

"Would you like white meat or dark meat?"
"Dark Meat."
"We're all outta dark meat."
"Then why'd you ASK???"-- from Spike Lee's School Daze